Healing from ADHD Shame: It’s Not Just About Focus
When people talk about ADHD, they often focus on the surface-level traits… forgetfulness, procrastination, or trouble concentrating. But for many adults, especially high-achieving women of colour, the hardest part is not the task management. It is the shame.
ADHD shame is quiet but heavy. It hides behind the “you’re so smart, why can’t you just…” comments. It lingers in the years spent masking. It shows up as overcompensating, overworking, and still feeling like you are not doing enough.
This kind of shame is not just personal. It is relational. It is systemic. And it deserves just as much attention as the executive function skills often discussed in treatment.
Why ADHD Shame Runs Deep
ADHD is not just a focus issue. It affects working memory, time perception, motivation, emotional regulation, and more (Barkley, 2011). Many of these challenges impact how people function in school, relationships, and work settings, where expectations are often rigid and neurotypical.
When those expectations are not met, shame can take root early. A 2019 study found that adults with ADHD report significantly higher levels of internalized shame, particularly tied to perceptions of failure and social rejection (Young et al. 2019).
If you were punished or humiliated for “not trying hard enough” or constantly compared to more “disciplined” peers, it makes sense that shame became part of your story.
The Role of Race and Gender
For BIPOC women, ADHD shame is shaped not just by neurodivergence but by identity and lived experience. Many of us are socialized to be the strong one, the fixer, the reliable one. There is often little room for rest, softness, or struggle.
Studies show that Black and racialized women are underdiagnosed with ADHD due to biases in how symptoms are perceived. Where white boys might be seen as “spirited,” BIPOC girls may be labelled defiant or lazy (Odoom & Cudjoe, 2020).
So we learn to hide our struggles. We learn to work twice as hard, stay quiet, or people-please to survive environments that do not feel safe. That masking becomes so automatic, we sometimes forget it is not who we are, it is a trauma response.
How Shame Shapes Relationships
ADHD can also impact how we connect with others. Emotional sensitivity, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), and poor memory can create conflict or misunderstandings in relationships.
When someone forgets your birthday or spaces out during a conversation, it can feel like they do not care. When you are the one with ADHD, you may start to believe you are the problem, that you are too much, too messy, too scattered.
This often leads to emotional withdrawal, perfectionism, or hyper-independence. And the message underneath it all? “If I show the real me, I will be judged or left behind.”
But here is the truth: the shame is not yours to carry. It was learned. And it can be unlearned.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing ADHD shame is not about becoming “better” at being neurotypical. It is about reconnecting with your inherent worth, building safe relationships, and rewriting the internal narrative.
Here are some steps that can help:
1. Name the Shame
Shame thrives in silence. Simply naming it, "This is shame, not truth", creates space between you and the belief that you are failing.
Self-awareness has been shown to be a key part of emotional resilience for adults with ADHD (Hirvikoski et al. 2015). Notice when your inner critic is being harsh, and ask where that voice originally came from.
2. Unmask with Intention
You do not owe anyone your full story. But letting yourself be seen in small ways, telling a trusted friend, asking for an accommodation, or saying “I need more time”, can be powerful acts of self-liberation.
Therapy can support this process by exploring the roots of masking and building new scripts rooted in self-trust, not performance.
3. Embrace Strengths-Based Tools
Healing shame does not mean ignoring your struggles. But it also means refusing to define yourself by them.
Research shows that strength-based approaches improve confidence and motivation in ADHD clients (Sedgwick et al. 2019). That might look like choosing tools that work with your brain, body doubling, visual planning, or flexible routines, without trying to “fix” what is not broken.
4. Choose Environments That See You
You deserve to be in spaces that affirm your full self. If you constantly feel like you have to mask, perform, or overcompensate to be accepted, it is okay to reconsider whether that space is truly safe. Healing means not settling for survival.
Final Thoughts???
ADHD shame is not a character flaw. It is the impact of living in a world that expects one kind of brain and penalizes everyone else.
You are allowed to move through life differently. You are allowed to take up space, ask for support, and rest without guilt.
At Balens Therapy, we work with high-achieving professionals, especially BIPOC women, who are ready to move beyond shame and into self-acceptance. You do not need to work harder to be worthy. You already are.
Works Cited
Barkley, R. A. Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. Guilford Press, 2011.
Hirvikoski, T., et al. “Self-reported psychosocial functioning in adults with ADHD: A controlled study.” Journal of Attention Disorders, vol. 19, no. 3, 2015, pp. 214–224.
Odoom, R., & Cudjoe, D. “Racial Disparities in the Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD.” Journal of Ethnic and Cultural Diversity in Social Work, vol. 29, no. 4, 2020, pp. 321–339.
Sedgwick, J. A., et al. “Does a strength-based model improve mental health outcomes in adults with ADHD? A systematic review.” Clinical Psychology Review, vol. 68, 2019, pp. 97–111.
Young, S., et al. “The role of shame and self-esteem in the development and treatment of adults with ADHD.” Journal of Attention Disorders, vol. 23, no. 6, 2019, pp. 685–693.
