ADHD & Emotional Regulation: Why You React So Strongly
ADHD and Emotional Regulation: Why You React So Strongly
If you live with ADHD, you already know it is more than a focus issue. One of the most misunderstood but deeply felt aspects of ADHD is emotional regulation.
You may find yourself crying after a meeting, snapping at a loved one, or feeling stuck in a loop of guilt and self-doubt, only to later wonder, “Why did I react like that?”
For many high-achieving BIPOC women, these emotional waves can feel like personal failure. But they are not. They are nervous system responses shaped by both neurobiology and lived experience. Understanding what is happening beneath the surface can bring real relief and help you respond with compassion instead of shame.
ADHD and Emotions: What Is the Link?
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects executive functioning, including emotional regulation. Studies show that up to 70 percent of adults with ADHD report intense emotional reactivity, difficulty calming down, and persistent feelings of shame or frustration (Shaw et al. 2014).
This is not about being dramatic or too sensitive. Emotional dysregulation in ADHD is tied to differences in the brain’s prefrontal cortex and limbic system, areas responsible for processing emotion, impulse control, and decision-making.
When the brain struggles to hit pause between a feeling and a response, emotional reactions can feel fast, intense, and hard to stop. These responses are not a sign of weakness. They are a neurobiological response that can be supported, not punished.
The Role of the Nervous System: Enter Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand how the body responds to stress and threat. It describes how our autonomic nervous system shifts between three states:
Ventral vagal (safe and connected)
Sympathetic (mobilized, anxious, or angry)
Dorsal vagal (shut down, numb, or hopeless)
For people with ADHD, transitions between these states can be more rapid or intense. You may find yourself going from “fine” to “flooded” with emotion in seconds. That is not a character flaw; it is your nervous system doing its best to protect you.
If you grew up in environments where safety was inconsistent… emotionally, culturally, or physically, your body may be more attuned to signs of danger. Even small triggers can feel big because your system is used to being on high alert.
DBT and Emotional Regulation Skills
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers a practical, evidence-based toolkit for managing intense emotions. It was originally developed for individuals with emotional dysregulation and is now widely used with ADHD clients.
Key DBT strategies that can help include:
STOP skill: Stop. Take a step back. Observe. Proceed mindfully. This skill interrupts impulsive reactions.
TIPP skill: Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive relaxation. These target the body first to help regulate the nervous system.
Check the facts: Emotions are valid but may not always be accurate. Ask: What is the story I am telling myself?
These tools are especially helpful when practiced consistently, not just in crisis. They teach your brain and body that it is possible to pause, even when everything feels urgent.
Why It Feels Worse for High-Achieving BIPOC Women
For many racialized women, emotional regulation has never been just a personal skill. It has been a survival tool.
You may have been taught to stay composed, to never let emotions interfere with performance, or to keep pushing through. As a result, emotional expression may feel dangerous or weak.
But suppressing emotions does not make them disappear. It stores them in the body, often leading to burnout, chronic stress, or shame spirals.
There is also the weight of racial trauma and gendered expectations. A 2020 study highlighted how emotional suppression is common among Black women in professional spaces, leading to increased anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation over time (Lewis et al. 2020).
You were never meant to carry all this alone. Therapy rooted in trauma-informed care can help you unpack this while validating the real systems that shaped your emotional experiences.
What Healing Can Look Like
Name your nervous system state: Are you anxious, shut down, or grounded? Use this awareness to guide your next step.
Start with the body: Movement, breathwork, and sensory input can help shift emotional states faster than thinking alone.
Use self-compassion: Say to yourself, “This is hard. And I am doing the best I can.” This calms the inner critic and opens space for choice.
Work with a therapist, especially one who understands ADHD and intersectional identities. You deserve support that sees the whole you.
Final Thoughts??
Strong emotional reactions in ADHD are not a moral failing. They are a signal. They are asking for regulation, connection, and care.
Your emotions are valid. Your nervous system is trying to protect you. You are allowed to unlearn the story that says your feelings make you too much.
At Balens Therapy, we support high-achieving women of colour who are ready to feel more grounded and less reactive. You can learn new tools. You can heal. And you can thrive on your own terms.
Works Cited
Lewis, J. A., Williams, M. G., Peppers, E. J., & Gadson, C. A. “Applying intersectionality to explore the relations between gendered racism and health among Black women.” Journal of Counseling Psychology, vol. 67, no. 3, 2020, pp. 257–270.
Porges, S. W. The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe. W. W. Norton, 2017.
Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. “Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.” American Journal of Psychiatry, vol. 171, no. 3, 2014, pp. 276–293.
